The events of the last couple of weeks have certainly been interesting! I had an absolutely terrible date with a man I didn't find attractive in the least (he only had one photo on Tinder in which he was wearing a hat covering a pretty severe receeding hairline). I love (dark) hair on men and receeding hairlines are a major turn off. I probably shouldn't have agreed to a date based on the one photo/hat suspicions however he seemed to have a great personality and a few interesting things to say. However in person I didn't feel as though we clicked at all and I (again) found him quite hard work to talk to. He also tried the extremely creepy trick of stroking my back (I'll never understand why men do this - I suppose they think it's sexy but they really need to be 100% sure the woman is into them otherwise it's the creepiest thing in the world). Anyway it was one of the worst dates I've had in a while resulting in him asking me if I was into him (I had to say he was nice guy but no, I wasn't romantically interested) which for some reason was a big shock to him. He believed that my body language said otherwise and he 'knew these things' as he'd played semi-professional poker. I'm not sure why he thought I was being anything other than polite and friendly, especially as I pulled away from him when he started the 'stroking' activity and I actually had to ask him to stop when he tried to do it again. Still - you live and learn - I clearly need to be even stricter about my filtering criteria on the men I match with on Tinder and not give them the benefit of the doubt when I'm unsure.
Sometimes I feel disheartened with the bad dating experiences I have. But I said quite recently to someone who was asking me about dating 'it's like going to the gym to work out, you need to take it in your stride for the goals that are important to you'. I realised when I said it that it's so very true. You don't get what you want in life by complaining/moping about not having it, you get those things by working hard for them. All I can do is keep working towards what I want and refine what I'm doing so that it suits me and works for me as much as it can. I've tried a lot of different things to see if they work for me. Recently I tried dating a couple of guys more than once to see if I was being too selective - if I was ruling people out without giving them a chance. That was another truth I realised in speaking to someone - it's actually pointless me giving someone another chance if I've already made up my mind that I'm not interested in them - that applied to both of these guys.
I only need one good guy. I just need to continue meeting men until I find him. I know how I want to feel about him and I believe that what I want is something I can find, it may not be around the corner but if I persist I will get there eventually. I've decided to aim for 52 dates this year, dating a man every week. I can do it as well, I'll combine it with property events wherever I can. I've already set one up for this coming Tuesday, this will be my 8th date of the year which isn't too bad for the end of March. Actually I should say it's my 8th 1st date this year - I have fitted in some repeats as well. I won't be doing any more repeats going forward unless I genuinally believe I like the guy enough for it.
Then I had a birthday (35) - how on Earth did I become 35? It's been a blur. But then again I've lived all over the UK, in Italy and America. I went to one of the most prestigious boarding schools in the country. I've worked in bars/nightclubs/restaurants/pubs and (for a brief spell) in a stripclub bar. I've worked in events and promotions, I ran my own events company and worked as a part time teacher for a couple of years teaching kids from 5-16 (Maths and Science to the little ones, Verbal and Logical Reasoning to the middle ones and English/Public Speaking to the teenage ones). I've worked a demanding career in the city covering client services, trading, creating and implementing a staff training programs, working with broker partners both in the UK and the Middle East then worked with technology companies (with stockbroker and Hedge Fund clientele) for the last few years. I've written and published a white paper on financial regulation and had a variety of experiences in Sales, Account Management, Marketing, PR, Projects (and become a qualified Project Manager), Relationship Management, troubleshooting and problem solving etc. I've travelled in Europe, the USA and a bit in Africa and Latin America - I've done as many trips as time and money allowed me to do. I've built up a fantastic circle of friends in London, Birmingham and dotted around the world. I've worked hard to keep good relationships going with those people despite distance and my busy schedule. I've learned French, Italian and Spanish. I've watched a hoarde of movies, TV series and read lots of books. I've explored self development and learned a lot about myself through the Landmark Forum, being coached in dating and positive thinking, Hypnotherapy and property (wealth/success mindsets). I've tried lots of new things and made it a point to make the way I live my life to say 'Yes'. I've reminded myself to take photographs and treasure memories. I've fallen in love both successfully and unsuccesfully and taught myself that anyone who doesn't appreciate my worth is a fool. I strive to be open minded - you don't know what another person is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes. I've done things that I'm proud of and things I'm ashamed of and understand that the only way to move on is to move forward, and ideally to do it with a smile on your face. I'm learning not to be afraid of being honest with myself about what I want out of life. I think a lot about my future and how I can shape it to be a wonderful future I'm excited about rather than just let it wash over me and pull me along in the drift. I think about what people would say if something happened to me and they all attended my funeral in the immediate future - I believe it would make me smile, laugh, cry and feel proud. I've fallen in love with the property entrepreneur lifestyle I only discovered at the beginning of last year, I plan to be successful but I will need to work hard and have a lot of help along the way. I believe I will get to where I want to get to and if I don't I will continue to try until I'm no longer able to. I've remembered that my oldest love has always been creative writing and I must make time for it, whether it's perfect or not it's important enough to me that I must keep doing it. I've learned that you can love more than one thing in life and if you're creative and self aware enough that you can create a good balance between them, it's not easy but it's worthwhile to keep trying.
All in all it has been a pretty exciting, varied life so farfull of interesting moments and some very fulfilling relationships. I have beaten myself up about many things I shouldn't have, I haven't been kind enough to myself and that's something I'm w orking on. I'm very glad and grateful that I am working on things that are important to me, I think I know myself now better than I ever have before. I'm also looking to take control of and shape my life more than I ever have before. I'm not sure where my big mistakes have been - perhaps they both are and are not what I thought they were. I have worked in the city for many years doing jobs I haven't enjoyed that much - perhaps that was a mistake. I've been doing that for 11 years now. However that has also allowed me to travel, party, learn so much and meet some of my closest friends - I can't really call it a mistake in that context. The whole time I have done that I have searched for something else, a job/career/solution that I can be passionate about. I love to write but I was afraid to give up my lifestyle for something that may not yield financial rewards. I understand that writers (even and perhaps especially once they become successful) have very little artistic control if something they produce becomes commercially popular. I'm ambitious and my lifestyle - the personal freedom of being able to travel, spend my time in the way I want and spend my money in the way I want - this is all extremely important to me. I've looked at giving up my city career several times and concluded I wasn't sure it was worth it and therefore was afraid to do so. I've looked at starting my own business and attended events to learn more about that for years as well as tracked the progress of friends I have who made that decision for themselves. It can be long hours, all consuming and extremely difficult to find a good work/life balance plus the income is often unpredictable.
35 strikes me as both a point of getting older and yet still being very young in the grand scheme of things, we'll probably all live now until we're about 100 (barring being struck down by bad physical or mental health). I am getting old now for having children if that's something I want. I have mixed feelings on that but if I meet the right guy soon and it was something he wanted for us then I would. Otherwise I will work on building and maintaining close relationships around me and that's become something I'm now confident of. There's no reason for me to become a lonely old lady if I continue living my life the way I do at the moment and plenty of people who have children have them grow apart, move away or not bother to visit that often. It's certainly not a guarantee for later life. I worry more about not finding a wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with but I'm working so hard on that I just need to have faith that it will happen, whether it's someone I fall in love with at first sight or someone I spent time with because I love their company until one day we realise how much we love being around each other. As long as I find it I'm open minded as to how it may creep up on me.
It's important to take moments in life to assess what's most important to you and how you're really doing in relation to that. I've been doing a great deal of that over the last couple of years and it's brought me a lot of self realisation. I'm planning to use that to help me build the life I want in 2, 5, 10 years time and forever. It's something they always ask at interview 'where do you want to be in 5 years time...' They ask it to get insight into your mindset, character and ambitions but actually it's a hugely important question we should all be asking ourselves at least every year - where do I want to be in 5 years time? Then 'am I on track to get there?' If the answer is no the next question is 'what do I need to do today to make sure I get there'.
So I'm 35 now - what do I want by the time I'm 40? I want to be a successful full time property investor with a very systemised property business allowing me to travel for up to 6 months of the year. I speak to become one of the inspirational speakers on the property circuit who teach me so much and make me so excited about everything I'm working on. I want to write regularly (blogs, novels, scripts). I want to be a great deal more fit and healthy than I am at the moment. I want to leave the house every day feeling like a sexy, attractive woman. I want to keep all these wonderful friends I care about close to me and even let in a few more. I want to continue meeting a lot of people and enjoying doing it. I want to have stronger, better, healthier relationships with my male friends, sometimes I don't feel as connected to them as I do with female friends but I love being around men as well - they often remind me not to take myself too seriously. I want closer relationships with certain members of my family who I've sometimes struggled to relate to although I still care about them deeply. I want to meet a wonderful man I'm attracted to - one who supports, trusts, communicates with and appreciates me. One who fits in and thrives on my hectic, versatile lifesytle. One who makes me smile whenever I think of him and flirts with and loves me until we're old wrinklies holding hands. I hope I meet him, I have fleeting moments of deep loneliness without him. He better outlive me as well because when I do meet him I don't ever want to be without him again. I want to continue working on myself, understanding to be both kind to and true to who I really am. I want to have a wonderful home, perhaps more than one as I have a tendency to drift between different locations and have it be a hub where friends and family can come and stay whenever they would like or need to. If they become annoying I'll drift off myself for a while. I want to speak French, Italian and Spanish again without stumbling off the vocabulary blocks I have at the moment as I'm out of practise and too busy to find time. If that wonderful man of mine has a different cultural background to me I'll learn his language too. This is my vision for my wonderful fun filled, free life. If I achieve even half of this within the next 5 years I'll be on track to be about as happy and fulfilled as I can be.
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